Crash With Me

Give me a brutal love
don't pull any punches
no holding back
no holds barred.

Give me all of you
the beautiful
and the horrifying
I want it all.

I want to drown
in the intensity
of the emotions
like waves that cradle as they crash.

Sleep

It isn't the sleep I fear,

it is the exhaustion which I know I will fight

when morning comes

and it lays on me like a blanket of snow

heavy and cold

freezing my body into a statue that will never move again.

It isn't the sleep I fear,

It is the closing my eyes for a while

blocking out everything

but the versions of me that live in my head

whispering, manipulating,

trying to turn me into one of them, or get rid of me altogether.

It isn't the sleep I fear,

It is the dream from which I can't escape

trapped in the dark

deep in the recesses of my own mind

vivid and horrifically empty

playing me the worst versions of all my worries like a movie.

I welcome sleep.

It's what sleep is made of that makes me reluctant to lie down and greet it.

Treats and poison

I needed you in the beginning,
your smile like a brand-new butcher knife
with words that cut
I didn't know how badly I was bleeding until I had time to heal.
You tried to to dice me into bite sized pieces
so that you could consume me
to keep your own soul from starving.
When I didn't need you anymore,
and could love wholly and freely,
your meal was over,
you left the table,
and me to clean up the mess.
I'm still cleaning.

I love you still
though forbidden fruit you were,
you were enticing, intoxicating,
and you grew from a tree
who's branches I still love to climb.
You were my favorite flavor I never got to taste.

I loved you, in the end
your quiet strength that left room for my whole self
and you loved all of it.
It was when I needed you that you fled the scene
leaving my love maimed and bleeding out.
Who knew such short time
could leave such lasting scars.

I think I could love you
easily, if I wasn't holding back
seeing your poisonous shell,
dreaming that I could be the one to crack it
and taste the sweet nectar of your soul.
I'm kidding myself.
Even if I wasn't allergic to you
you keep yourself at a distance
spitting thorns at those who draw to close.
It doesn't even slow my step,
but I dare not reach out to touch,
because I know I can get so thoroughly addicted to love
and I have been broken before.

January 2010

The darkness crawls out of my head
through the walls and under my bed,
choking through the grip of silence
conquers me with sharpened violence;

This might be the start of something good...

"I think I need a nap" she said lazily as she stretched, running her hands up into her damp, tangled hair.

"Mm, if I had known how physically taxing that wake-up call was going to be... Yea I definitely still would've left my phone at work" a devilish smile spread across his face.

She giggled.

He didn't want her to stop, so he jumped into bed, pinning her down as delicately as a man of his size ever could, and ran his long fingers along her petite rib cage to elicit more giggles from her adorable mouth.

She screamed laughter, trying to fight him off, pretending not to enjoy the fact that she couldn't.

He then continued one hand around to rest between her shoulders, the other to the base of her neck. His body slid down to lie on top of hers as he transformed the laughter to a soft hum of satisfaction with a long kiss. Abruptly, he rolled onto his back on the bed beside her, using the hand between her shoulders to pull her into him as he did.

"Night night" she said as she nestled her head into the part of his shoulder that had obviously evolved to serve as a headrest for women.

"I gotta go to work" he said with not enough reluctance.

"This is your job, you are my pillow" she said with her eyes closed.

As he moved to get up she wrapped her arms around him.

"No! Stay!" She whined playfully.

"I can't" he laughed as he stood up.

"I hear Canada's nice." She said sitting up on the edge of the bed.

He let out a bark of laughter.

"Canada's gay"

She rolled her eyes "do you really have to say shit like that?" She said, still smiling.

He stepped forward, taking her hands in his,

"Hey you've known I was an asshole since the day you met me" and kissed her still grinning like an eight-year-old who was definitely up to something.

"Yea yea I know, it's why I love you" she said between kisses.

He pulled back, cocked one eyebrow, and frowned quizzically.

"You love me, huh?"

She bit her lip as her heart tried to make a run for it. "Um... what?"

"You just said you loved me" he prodded.

"No I didn't. I didn't say anyth-" he interrupted her with a passionate kiss that pushed her onto her back. He followed her down with forceful enthusiasm. They paused only to breathe and kiss neglected bits of skin. She could feel his arousal for the second time that morning, and he could feel her disappointment as he pulled away.

Wordlessly he turned and went to shower.

She laid in bed, overanalyzing everything that had just happened, and reaching no conclusion as to whether or not she had just made a huge mistake. When she heard the water turn off, she turned towards the wall and pretended to sleep. He moved about the room gathering his things. Before he left, he walked over to the bed, leaned over, kissed her gently on the head and said quietly,

"I love you too. Faker."

As he walked out the door she called after him through an extra-wide smile,

"Dick!"

She waited until she heard the front door shut, and the click of the lock, before making her way to the balcony with the shitty view of the parking lot. The blue wicker chair by the edge welcomed her. The sound of the car starting accompanied the flash of her lighter as she lit her cigarette. She watched him pull out of the car port, sit for a moment as he selected his music, roll slowly out of the driveway, and speed off down the road. When he was out of sight, she turned her attention to the sky. There was a dragon in the clouds. Somehow, she could always find a dragon in the clouds. It was chilly, especially wearing nothing but one of his softest t-shirts, but it felt nice on the residual sweat that beaded her skin. When her cigarette was down to the ink she put it in the ashtray, obsessively extinguishing every smoldering ember, and moved inside with the lazy fluidity of the contented to begin her morning routine;

Press start on the coffee pot; Select the day’s playlist; Shower; First cup of coffee; Splash of French vanilla creamer; Breakfast - hard boiled egg, pre-sliced Fuji apple, daily 20-minute YouTube talk show; Second cup of coffee; Get dressed - comfy black bra, black v-neck t-shirt, polka dot panties, worn-out Levi’s, snowman socks; Brush teeth - 20 seconds per section; Mascara; Grab iPod from bathroom stereo; Third cup of coffee - tall blue travel mug with a crack in it; Gray plaid Vans; Find keys; And finally, downstairs to the car, and to work.

Why It Matters

Sure,

kisses were a pain in the neck

for both of us

but it wasn't about the kisses.

One night he walked in the door

immediately scooped me up,

no warning,

threw me over his shoulder,

and carried me into the bedroom.

When he held me

he wrapped me up in him

and I've never felt so beautifully delicate

so safe

so feminine

When I wasn't okay,

I could nestle into his chest

and disappear.

He would kiss me on the head,

taking the world away with his lips.

It wasn't about the kisses

it was about him being a man

who made me feel like a woman

by standing by my side.

It was about how I fit into his arms,

into the curve of his body.

It wasn't about the kisses.

I Want to be Alone

I don't want my solitude broken.

I want to lie on the couch with a good book
and my legs in his lap while he games.

I want to lay in bed for a while before getting up
with my head on someone's shoulder,
watching his chest rise and fall as he breathes.

I want to drive aimlessly, getting lost,
singing with the radio turned up too loud,
memorizing the geography of his hand with mine.

No pressure to break the silence,
letting touch replace speech,
content to do nothing together,
because nothing is enough.

I don't want my solitude broken,
but I'll happily share it.