January 2010

The darkness crawls out of my head
through the walls and under my bed,
choking through the grip of silence
conquers me with sharpened violence;

This might be the start of something good...

"I think I need a nap" she said lazily as she stretched, running her hands up into her damp, tangled hair.

"Mm, if I had known how physically taxing that wake-up call was going to be... Yea I definitely still would've left my phone at work" a devilish smile spread across his face.

She giggled.

He didn't want her to stop, so he jumped into bed, pinning her down as delicately as a man of his size ever could, and ran his long fingers along her petite rib cage to elicit more giggles from her adorable mouth.

She screamed laughter, trying to fight him off, pretending not to enjoy the fact that she couldn't.

He then continued one hand around to rest between her shoulders, the other to the base of her neck. His body slid down to lie on top of hers as he transformed the laughter to a soft hum of satisfaction with a long kiss. Abruptly, he rolled onto his back on the bed beside her, using the hand between her shoulders to pull her into him as he did.

"Night night" she said as she nestled her head into the part of his shoulder that had obviously evolved to serve as a headrest for women.

"I gotta go to work" he said with not enough reluctance.

"This is your job, you are my pillow" she said with her eyes closed.

As he moved to get up she wrapped her arms around him.

"No! Stay!" She whined playfully.

"I can't" he laughed as he stood up.

"I hear Canada's nice." She said sitting up on the edge of the bed.

He let out a bark of laughter.

"Canada's gay"

She rolled her eyes "do you really have to say shit like that?" She said, still smiling.

He stepped forward, taking her hands in his,

"Hey you've known I was an asshole since the day you met me" and kissed her still grinning like an eight-year-old who was definitely up to something.

"Yea yea I know, it's why I love you" she said between kisses.

He pulled back, cocked one eyebrow, and frowned quizzically.

"You love me, huh?"

She bit her lip as her heart tried to make a run for it. "Um... what?"

"You just said you loved me" he prodded.

"No I didn't. I didn't say anyth-" he interrupted her with a passionate kiss that pushed her onto her back. He followed her down with forceful enthusiasm. They paused only to breathe and kiss neglected bits of skin. She could feel his arousal for the second time that morning, and he could feel her disappointment as he pulled away.

Wordlessly he turned and went to shower.

She laid in bed, overanalyzing everything that had just happened, and reaching no conclusion as to whether or not she had just made a huge mistake. When she heard the water turn off, she turned towards the wall and pretended to sleep. He moved about the room gathering his things. Before he left, he walked over to the bed, leaned over, kissed her gently on the head and said quietly,

"I love you too. Faker."

As he walked out the door she called after him through an extra-wide smile,

"Dick!"

She waited until she heard the front door shut, and the click of the lock, before making her way to the balcony with the shitty view of the parking lot. The blue wicker chair by the edge welcomed her. The sound of the car starting accompanied the flash of her lighter as she lit her cigarette. She watched him pull out of the car port, sit for a moment as he selected his music, roll slowly out of the driveway, and speed off down the road. When he was out of sight, she turned her attention to the sky. There was a dragon in the clouds. Somehow, she could always find a dragon in the clouds. It was chilly, especially wearing nothing but one of his softest t-shirts, but it felt nice on the residual sweat that beaded her skin. When her cigarette was down to the ink she put it in the ashtray, obsessively extinguishing every smoldering ember, and moved inside with the lazy fluidity of the contented to begin her morning routine;

Press start on the coffee pot; Select the day’s playlist; Shower; First cup of coffee; Splash of French vanilla creamer; Breakfast - hard boiled egg, pre-sliced Fuji apple, daily 20-minute YouTube talk show; Second cup of coffee; Get dressed - comfy black bra, black v-neck t-shirt, polka dot panties, worn-out Levi’s, snowman socks; Brush teeth - 20 seconds per section; Mascara; Grab iPod from bathroom stereo; Third cup of coffee - tall blue travel mug with a crack in it; Gray plaid Vans; Find keys; And finally, downstairs to the car, and to work.

Why It Matters

Sure,

kisses were a pain in the neck

for both of us

but it wasn't about the kisses.

One night he walked in the door

immediately scooped me up,

no warning,

threw me over his shoulder,

and carried me into the bedroom.

When he held me

he wrapped me up in him

and I've never felt so beautifully delicate

so safe

so feminine

When I wasn't okay,

I could nestle into his chest

and disappear.

He would kiss me on the head,

taking the world away with his lips.

It wasn't about the kisses

it was about him being a man

who made me feel like a woman

by standing by my side.

It was about how I fit into his arms,

into the curve of his body.

It wasn't about the kisses.

I Want to be Alone

I don't want my solitude broken.

I want to lie on the couch with a good book
and my legs in his lap while he games.

I want to lay in bed for a while before getting up
with my head on someone's shoulder,
watching his chest rise and fall as he breathes.

I want to drive aimlessly, getting lost,
singing with the radio turned up too loud,
memorizing the geography of his hand with mine.

No pressure to break the silence,
letting touch replace speech,
content to do nothing together,
because nothing is enough.

I don't want my solitude broken,
but I'll happily share it.

This Castle

So much time

effort

blood and tears

and love

dedicated to constructing this castle,

this fortress,

it's walls are thick
and high

but it's doors are open

wide

and it's beautiful inside.

Many have been invited to stay

and each who's left

has a room awaiting them,

should ever they need shelter

I offer my fortress as a home.

So much time and effort

trying to figure out why so few choose to remain,

citizens in my queensland,

people pass through,

many pass by,

the doors are open

wide

most have used them for leaving.

If I knew why my halls remain empty,

what repairs are needed,

how to make it even more hospitable,

in a heartbeat I'd change it all,

but every time I renovate,

I lose more than I gain.

I fear my walls may thicken,

my castle crumble into ruin,

and my doors close forever,

before ever experiencing the feasts they were built to host.

A Long Minute

I wish I could stretch the minutes

make a good night a weekend long

give those lost a few more breaths

provide the troubled a chance to change their minds

I wish there was more more time in a moment to savor it
or change the course of fate,
feel past the hate
and live.

Trigger Warning

memories flood in
as the music drowns
reason

the memories are made of emotion
or rather
a lack thereof

back again
to the time the only way to feel was to rip at the skin
and watch the crimson glisten

turn the song off
and avoid the void
that took so long to escape

and still
calls my name