Why It Matters

Sure,

kisses were a pain in the neck

for both of us

but it wasn't about the kisses.

One night he walked in the door

immediately scooped me up,

no warning,

threw me over his shoulder,

and carried me into the bedroom.

When he held me

he wrapped me up in him

and I've never felt so beautifully delicate

so safe

so feminine

When I wasn't okay,

I could nestle into his chest

and disappear.

He would kiss me on the head,

taking the world away with his lips.

It wasn't about the kisses

it was about him being a man

who made me feel like a woman

by standing by my side.

It was about how I fit into his arms,

into the curve of his body.

It wasn't about the kisses.

I Want to be Alone

I don't want my solitude broken.

I want to lie on the couch with a good book
and my legs in his lap while he games.

I want to lay in bed for a while before getting up
with my head on someone's shoulder,
watching his chest rise and fall as he breathes.

I want to drive aimlessly, getting lost,
singing with the radio turned up too loud,
memorizing the geography of his hand with mine.

No pressure to break the silence,
letting touch replace speech,
content to do nothing together,
because nothing is enough.

I don't want my solitude broken,
but I'll happily share it.

This Castle

So much time

effort

blood and tears

and love

dedicated to constructing this castle,

this fortress,

it's walls are thick
and high

but it's doors are open

wide

and it's beautiful inside.

Many have been invited to stay

and each who's left

has a room awaiting them,

should ever they need shelter

I offer my fortress as a home.

So much time and effort

trying to figure out why so few choose to remain,

citizens in my queensland,

people pass through,

many pass by,

the doors are open

wide

most have used them for leaving.

If I knew why my halls remain empty,

what repairs are needed,

how to make it even more hospitable,

in a heartbeat I'd change it all,

but every time I renovate,

I lose more than I gain.

I fear my walls may thicken,

my castle crumble into ruin,

and my doors close forever,

before ever experiencing the feasts they were built to host.

A Long Minute

I wish I could stretch the minutes

make a good night a weekend long

give those lost a few more breaths

provide the troubled a chance to change their minds

I wish there was more more time in a moment to savor it
or change the course of fate,
feel past the hate
and live.

Trigger Warning

memories flood in
as the music drowns
reason

the memories are made of emotion
or rather
a lack thereof

back again
to the time the only way to feel was to rip at the skin
and watch the crimson glisten

turn the song off
and avoid the void
that took so long to escape

and still
calls my name

Sleep Deprivation

Sleep deprivation,

starvation; intentional
or
accidental,

alcohol

Each leads to

exhaustion
disorientation
inebriation

indulgence is inevitable,
so which rabbit-hole is first?

Exposed

My skin feels
everything
and magnificent.
I feel the warmth, the wind, the rain, the man
despite layers of all-natural fabric
I feel life on my skin
and we all know life can be overwhelming.

I wouldn't trade the nearly
unbearable
symphony of sensation
for the world, because
I get to know the world
in all its intensity
at all times.

The Storm Returns

A blast from my past blew down the reinforced door
uprooting all that had been
carefully
stacked
behind
it

like
Hurricane Katrina
stopping by New Orleans
just to catch up.

Those stacks had grown dusty,
all but forgotten;
I hadn't noticed they were beginning to rot

Such a devastating storm
must have some nerve
to drop by unannounced

but with an apology in hand...

Though unpleasant
uncomfortable
and unwelcome...
The catastrophe returned with closure

and now
we rebuild.

Keep fighting

When I can't echoes in your head
and you feel like sleeping for
eighteen years....
There's nothing I can tell you
you haven't already heard.

I can't

When make it stop is screaming
through your subconscious
like a missile....
All I can say is
don't.

make it stop

I know,
as much as anyone,
how hard,
how thoroughly exhausting
and how fucking impossible
it feels
to fight
we must

I can't

because what else is there?

I'm so tired

When I can't echoes through your head
and you feel like sleeping for eighteen years
and make it stop screams through your mind like a missile
keep fighting,

why

Honestly,

I can't

sometimes I don't know why,

but keep fighting.

I'm trying

Wallowing

I'm wallowing
swallowing the water
that drowns

          It tastes sour

          and bitter

          but sickening sweet.

No longer treading water

my arms are tired

I'm sinking

         it's relaxing,

         the pressure,

         forcing me to lie still.

Soon I'll break the surface of the water

gasping for air

my lungs will scream in thanks

          for now I like the cold water

soothing my aching effort

          the weight of death upon me

like a comforter helping me sleep

          for now I swallow the water that drowns

because I'm too tired to keep my head above it.


*chill mom, it's an old one I've reworked.

Rain Cloud

It's like rain
falling into placid waters
stirring the surface
not really changing
anything.

There's a terrible beauty
in loneliness
that runs
this
deep -
breathtaking
in every sense of the word
bringing tears to your eyes
like
hands around your neck.

It isn't like rain
it is the cold
gloomy sky
that refuses to release.

#LoveWins

Everywhere I look I see

LOVE WINS

Truth is it hasn't yet.

All across the globe people

still fight the wars of their ancestors

praying

to God, or Allah (which means God)

for peace.

They tear the world apart

tear lives apart

in search of peace.

They obviously don't understand peace.

God states

THOU SHALT NOT MURDER

and yet we send

"our boys"

to murder for peace

in the name of God.

yet we celebrate

LOVE WINS

Love doesn't know

what is wrong

and what is war.

Love knows he will hug his children no more

Love knows her husband will never return from war

Love knows the child inside will know no father

Love knows the man who loves man loves equally

Love knows the woman born a boy loves equally

Love knows war in the name of peace is still war

Love knows hate in the name of love is still hate

Love knows evil in the name of God is still evil

Love knows black lives matter

Love knows no skin color

Love knows all life matters

Love knows God loves

For God is love

and man slaughters.

Lay down your arms

in the name of love

take your brother in yours

in the name of love

to build a wall of hearts

in the name of love

to halt the advancing wars

(the folly of man)

in the name of love

If no one fights

no one dies.

Which is a good start.

then 

When equal is equal

and all lives come home

and all hearts can love
and all minds can speak

and all hate has died

and no children cry

we can say

LOVE WINS

Want

Home was in their arms.

That's probably why it was so easy for him to hurt me.

That's probably why he was so scared.

Now home is in my head,

and I'm ready to go again.

It's no longer a matter of need

which is nice,

now it's a matter of want.

I don't need someone to complete me,

I want someone to compliment,

contradict, balance me.

I don't need anyone to hold me

or hold me up,

but I want someone who wants to.

I don't need anyone anymore

and that makes me want them more.

Marked

My body bears the marks

delicious bruises

my body reacted to

like a river reacts to lightning.

My mind is trying to rub them away

but my body likes them.

My mind bears the marks

shiny pink burns

left by heatless passion

on a night when I should have cared less.

My mind is offended by the memories

but my body likes them.

Untouched

Explore me,

touch me here

and there.

Feel me

and wake my sleeping senses.

Discover me,

(I will be new for you)

then

draw me a map

so I can see who I am

to you,

and through you.

Touch me, here

and there.

Explore me.

I am untouched.

Something about him,

there is always something about him.

Something I want to touch,
and taste, and touch.
Something that has me reaching,
attempting to           touch
                                       twist
                             wrestle
                                  and taste
it has me tripping
                    falling
                        tumbling
I want to explore it
                     get lost
                          love it
                               learn to hate it

There is always something about him
Something always that intrigues me
Something always that repels me
Something always that ensnares me
and refuses to let go until it takes
layers of thickening

skin

as it comes
and always goes.

So let me touch
             and touch back
let skin graze skin
         let's break skin
                let's break bones
                       let's break hopes
and touch.

I Dig Scars

I like being able to see the past,

the marks of adventures,

bad decisions,

pain,

carved into the skin.

I like when someone else looks

on the outside

how most wouldn't guess

most of us feel;

scar tissue gets in the way

of what our world considers normalcy.

But you stand out,

you make me curious

so tell me your stories,

let me see your scars.