Drive

Pretty Lips

Halfway

Gone

Where No One Looks

Big Feelings

I ask the children
when they are feeling
feelings that don't fit in their little bodies
"Do you need a hug?"

Maybe...
Maybe I need someone to squeeze this infection out of me,
this tension softly rubbed from my back,
this hole in my chest pressed closed...
Maybe I need this broken body embraced
by someone who cares about the peices falling away

As silly as it may sound...
I think I need a hug

Do You Have Kids?

I am not a mother

I guide as they explore their world,
through sand castles and spider webs,
flowers and mud pies.
I remind them of their manners
help them learn how to be kind.
I eat when they eat,
sit and stand by their side,
lead story time and sing our songs,
celebrate with high-fives.
I heal owies with kisses,
clean their noses, dry their eyes,
give hugs be they excited or sad,
and show them love whenever I can...

but
I am not a mother.
In the evening they go home
and I return to mine.
Someday they'll move on
and leave me well behind.
Most will not remember
the joy that filled our days,
but in my mind forever
will shine each smiling face,
because though I'm not a mother
these children,
they are mine.

Responsibility

To be fair
I can see how it might be difficult
to be there for someone
who refuses to
speak
aloud
with words
about what is destroying her
and insists on painting it
with poetry
and hiding it in a notebook at the bottom of her purse.

Butterface beats justerface

Why don't you ever write about her?

Who...

...thought it was interesting

shrinks

...was making conversation

quiets

...

I get it now

...

disappears

...no one

cares

Echoes

I don't know which voices I heard first
they said a lot of the same things

I know which ones I'm still fighting

they say I'm weak, pathetic,
and no one wants to hear about it

my voice isn't loud enough to argue

and there is still so much
echoing

at least in the last few years
I've stopped blaming it
all
on
me

Work

An acidic worm crawls up my spine
threatening to undo breakfast
as I try to focus on work
but to act normal
now, is work

The Water I Drink

"Blood is thicker than water"
Thicker...
harder to swallow...
a tendancy to curdle...
and forced upon us by nature.

Water we seek
water quenches our thirst
provides releif,
clear, so we can see contaminents
and easily cleaned.

The water I choose is water I trust.
The water I choose is water I've tested.
The water I choose becomes a part of me as much as the blood I was born with.

If I choose bloodletting,
it's because the blood in my body
is far below the standard
of the water I drink
and is making me sick.

How to stop being so narcissistic

Lately
my obsessive mind
has been focused
on my self-sabotaging body
so I Google

"How to stop being so narcissistic"

as though my depression didn't grow
from the seed of guilt,
the product of a need
to be the perfect
daughter
friend
sister
and failing,
obviously,
because nobody is perfect,
and it is unreasonable to expect
perfection.

Not to mention
I doubt narcissicts feel guilt over the frequency with which they use the word "I"

So perhaps I can forgive myself
for finally making decisions
based on what's best
for me...

finally.

This is Not an Inspirational Poem

Everyone keeps saying
"if you need help just call"

the thing is
there are times
when a call
is like climbing a mountain

admitting
failure,
that the fight is lost,
the weight of the world is too heavy,
that one has grown too weary
and weak
to go on,
would take a strength that simply cannot be found...

...and sometimes...
the thought of

the peace

and the quiet

and rest

...of seeing that old dog again
...of hugging a loved one lost
...makes "help" the last thing one wants...

Like A Good Girl

Fighter

They call this a fight
and us warriors
but how
does one win
when the battlefield
is one against wind.

Hold

awkward
as a racehorse
being held back

my heart knows what to do
every muscle in my body
twitching tense with reluctant restraint

but logic is the jockey

a tentative hand between your shoulders
has so much potential
but we wouldn't want to complicate things

so I keep it reigned in

Goals