Do You Have Kids?

I am not a mother

I guide as they explore their world,
through sand castles and spider webs,
flowers and mud pies.
I remind them of their manners
help them learn how to be kind.
I eat when they eat,
sit and stand by their side,
lead story time and sing our songs,
celebrate with high-fives.
I heal owies with kisses,
clean their noses, dry their eyes,
give hugs be they excited or sad,
and show them love whenever I can...

but
I am not a mother.
In the evening they go home
and I return to mine.
Someday they'll move on
and leave me well behind.
Most will not remember
the joy that filled our days,
but in my mind forever
will shine each smiling face,
because though I'm not a mother
these children,
they are mine.

Responsibility

To be fair
I can see how it might be difficult
to be there for someone
who refuses to
speak
aloud
with words
about what is destroying her
and insists on painting it
with poetry
and hiding it in a notebook at the bottom of her purse.

Butterface beats justerface

Why don't you ever write about her?

Who...

...thought it was interesting

shrinks

...was making conversation

quiets

...

I get it now

...

disappears

...no one

cares

Echoes

I don't know which voices I heard first
they said a lot of the same things

I know which ones I'm still fighting

they say I'm weak, pathetic,
and no one wants to hear about it

my voice isn't loud enough to argue

and there is still so much
echoing

at least in the last few years
I've stopped blaming it
all
on
me

Work

An acidic worm crawls up my spine
threatening to undo breakfast
as I try to focus on work
but to act normal
now, is work

The Water I Drink

"Blood is thicker than water"
Thicker...
harder to swallow...
a tendancy to curdle...
and forced upon us by nature.

Water we seek
water quenches our thirst
provides releif,
clear, so we can see contaminents
and easily cleaned.

The water I choose is water I trust.
The water I choose is water I've tested.
The water I choose becomes a part of me as much as the blood I was born with.

If I choose bloodletting,
it's because the blood in my body
is far below the standard
of the water I drink
and is making me sick.

How to stop being so narcissistic

Lately
my obsessive mind
has been focused
on my self-sabotaging body
so I Google

"How to stop being so narcissistic"

as though my depression didn't grow
from the seed of guilt,
the product of a need
to be the perfect
daughter
friend
sister
and failing,
obviously,
because nobody is perfect,
and it is unreasonable to expect
perfection.

Not to mention
I doubt narcissicts feel guilt over the frequency with which they use the word "I"

So perhaps I can forgive myself
for finally making decisions
based on what's best
for me...

finally.

This is Not an Inspirational Poem

Everyone keeps saying
"if you need help just call"

the thing is
there are times
when a call
is like climbing a mountain

admitting
failure,
that the fight is lost,
the weight of the world is too heavy,
that one has grown too weary
and weak
to go on,
would take a strength that simply cannot be found...

...and sometimes...
the thought of

the peace

and the quiet

and rest

...of seeing that old dog again
...of hugging a loved one lost
...makes "help" the last thing one wants...

Like A Good Girl

Fighter

They call this a fight
and us warriors
but how
does one win
when the battlefield
is one against wind.

Hold

awkward
as a racehorse
being held back

my heart knows what to do
every muscle in my body
twitching tense with reluctant restraint

but logic is the jockey

a tentative hand between your shoulders
has so much potential
but we wouldn't want to complicate things

so I keep it reigned in

Goals

camouflage

She exists almost exclusively after dark,
when the sun's rays no longer expose her to the world
and the darkness that follows her is no more than a shadow
among many.

Basking Light

it's like,
my shadow is jealous
of all the time I've been spending
in the sun
every chance it gets
it pulls at me
trying to drag me back into the dark
or just remind me
it's still there

still I bask in the sunlight

Eating My Feelings

I should be hungry
this time last week I was

but she's so loud now
she's drowning out any semblence of flavor
leaving only the mettallic bitterness
of being repeatedly kicked in the stomach
by her latest henchman

it's easy for her,
she is well fed,
sustained by all the negativity I have managed
to swallow,
that I choke on after years of bingeing and refusing to purge

there hasn't been much room for her poison;
positivity

and I
am malnourished.

Save Puff

I have been a witch
on a grand adventure

I have been a queen
fighting for her people

I have vaulted over rivers
and molten lava

I have been a tigress
solitary and powerful

I have been a wolf
my strength in the pack behind me

I have slain wicked men
and rescued many a friend

I have raised dragons,
and ridden unicorns into battle

I led revolutions,
I conquered evil
I traveled in and out of time

now painted wings and giants' rings
made way for taxes and soy

if this is growing up...

High Notes

The Prison (part II)

Rock Show

Orange Groves

I went for a walk;

like stepping on home base
knowing you're safe

as soon as my foot hit the block
I felt it.

There was where I crashed my bike
and didn't even cry
and got one of my favorite scars

There's the house of that neighbor boy
I remember his front door
I wonder how he's turned out.

And there, my first friend lived there
I remember how it smelled
and her abuelita's smile

We all swore that house was haunted
but it had the best shade tree

I grew into a mighty pine in the mountains
but my roots are here in the orange groves.

Pride

ceding from an argument
before your blood pressure spikes
and you have an anyeurism
is not losing
it is self care

but try telling that to my pride

Bloodletting

My art
is as effortless as bleeding

like wounds
old

new
gushing into blank space

someone might have noticed
I only paint in red

Changes

Coming Home

I Thought Narcissists Were Supposed to Love Themselves

I've been so busy pointing fingers
I didn't notice the blood on my hands
from the knife I thought I put down
years ago,

I know now
all these scars
are self-inflicted,

and yet,
I can't seem to stop jumping
into piles of barbed wire
and begging for help getting back out

cause when you're all you can see
I guess you have nothing better to do
than bleed.

Careful

Watcher

I watch,
standing in the shadow
of this beam of garish light
invisible,
observing...

I am
comfortable here
hidden
and knowing
the light has a dark side too.

Lol

Do you remember?

Laughing
so hard you thought
for a moment
your lungs may collapse
and you lost all control
of the animalistic sounds
and the tears streaming down your face
as your abs and your cheeks grew tired...

I remember
like a dream

it's been a while since I've laughed like that...
tell me how to go back.

Darkwood

I want to make dinner
I want to cook meat
and vegetables
and bake bread
then

I want to break bread
laugh and eat and talk
perhaps play cards
around a long, loud
darkwood dining table.

why
does that feel
like such a wild dream?

Just A Shadow

Our stories are related
but they are different

the point of telling my story
is not to drown out the sound of yours
so I never raise my voice

my presence was never meant
to cast a shadow on you
so I always stand to the side

but the point of telling my story
is to tell

MY

story

it is your responsibility
to tell yours

so one day when you can tell your story
without screaming it
like trying to silence mine,

perhaps I can stand in your light
without fading away
like I am just a shadow.

End

http://skintrademusic.com/

Rain Dance

In a winter storm
everything looks so
clean

even the sun
can't help but take a peek,
and watch the droplets sparkle.

You Look Tired

Tap Out

it isn't fair.

all I've ever asked for
is quiet
dim lighting
simple flavors
a couple good friends
maybe something of a family

the only thing
I've ever wanted
is peace

but every day
(surrounded by garrish noise,
all these colors crammed together,
all this bitter, scalding shit I'm forced to swallow,
all these people I'm supposed to want to impress,
everything adding up to an audience,
betting against me,
waiting for me to tap out)
I wake up fighting.

I am not a fighter
I am tired
and it isn't fair

but
tapping out...
I am no coward,
and I know a few people
who bet on me
so

I fight.

Rx

Maybe,
I need a pill
to silence the voices
and help my heart beat steady
and let my mind race only against itself
instead of the whole world
maybe there would be
peace in my mind
for the first time
if I took a pill.

Maybe,
I take the pill
and my heartbeat becomes curcuitry
and these words that flow
from my veins to the page
lay still
and I forget how the sunlight feels
on my skin after stepping
out of the darkness
I've come to respect...

Maybe
I need a pill...
but there's a chance
that this heart
falls silent
either
way.

Reject

Maybe

Maybe
the smile is real
maybe
the laugh isn't forced,

but maybe that laughter
is in the only thing
keeping the
breakdown
at bay,

maybe
the smile
is all she has.