Note To Self

You know.

You always know.

Within a few moments,

a laugh, a story,

a touch,

you know how you feel.

You know because somewhere between your gut and your spine there's a warmth,

then a tug,
soft, and unmistakeable,

yanking your checklist right out of your hyperactive mind,

in the wake of expectations you find

insecurity,
and hope,
and excitement,
and all your butterflies, dancing to the sound of new beginnings.

It doesn't happen often,

but each time it has you've never second guessed it,

you've never had to ask yourself how you feel,

you've never had to convince yourself of the persons merits

or tilt your head to see their face at a different angle in hopes of sparking something more.

Stop trying to talk yourself into this feeling,

stop trying to sell yourself short,

because I love you, and you deserve more than maybe,

or "I should"

or "I wish I did"

or even "maybe I could."

Stop trying to convince yourself that you don't know yourself well enough to know.

You always know.

Queen of Okay

I pose the biggest threat

(to myself)

when I'm feeling out of

control;

like,

my "evil twin,"

the slice of myself

I worked so hard to imprison

so long ago,

(yet only yesterday)

is again gaining 

power...

making decisions for me.

She is a danger to me

and my desperation to regain 

control...

even more so.

I am at war with myself

again

as she moves to rise

and I scramble to suppress

like a losing game of

chess.

Every time before

I was able to minimize 

casualties

but we were both young then...

I have grown tired...

and she's had all that time to rest...